Thank you for reading, thank you for following, I need a break to try and live my life, to move on, to be here now with my children, to be here for my cat to try and break free from the pain to ignore it, just for a while to pretend to have a normal life to move forward with me. While Simons loss occupies my thoughts I need to let him be a beacon of light showing me teaching me a lesson, he was there to teach me a lesson, to make me grow and move forward in my life, I am not sure how yet, but I know there is a reason there is always a reason to grow. Just know I am not gone but trying to be here now in my life.

NOthing to say today, just getting by and reading other posts

For some reason I am feeling at peace right now. Like he was a beacon showing me something I needed to learn. Going to sleep now, just because I can and I feel exhausted.
Bless all who listen and hear me, you are the best listeners in the world.

alone

I feel so alone, so apart from everyone, my family, people in general and life, like I am just floating through life, none of it matters anymore, I am hoping at least that one day I will move forward. Maybe by writing this I am moving forward. ALl of you seem to be, so I have hope. Thank you for putting your blogs out there openly so I can have hope.

just...just

I have to stop hating myself...What did I do wrong. alone with myself, alone with my grief. just alone.....

what the....

I have spent the last 2 days walking around like a zombie. Opening up on this blog is more than I can do, I have to stop for a while, until I can feel like I don't know until I can feel like a person worthy of being heard, my body has failed me, I tried to be a good mom, I wanted to be worthy person, I feel like a failure, like I failed the world and especially my Saint. Like I failed life, like I am unworthy and will continue to be and i hate that I feel this way....Re-reading this it feels awkward but true so I am putting it out there.

have to stop

I am not sure I can do this. I was just a viewer, not wanting to share of myself, feeling like it was too much, it was, I am not sure how to go about this, I can't even function let alone write my feelings, fuck the world, who the hell delt me this hand, a year ago I would have never thought I would be here now. But you have a beautiful family, it will be ok,

GO FUCK OFF.......

I just want to sit in my room and cry, or die.... It will never end, I know that now that I have read other blogs, I know it won't, it doesn't seem to help by writing about it, maybe one day it will make me feel better but for now it is making me feel worse.

The world SUCKS and I can't even go walk in the woods and scream it is so fucking cold........ . Everyone in my life needs to go to hell, all the good wisher agggggg........................................

now I have opened the gates

NOw that I have started to type about Simon, I feel more than lost, I feel inundated with emotions about the whole thing. I can't seem to stop typing. Let's start from the beginning. I first got pregnant at 16, my mother encouraged an abortion, and although I really didn't want to I felt I had no choice. I was 16, I wanted a life, now that I think back about it my life could have been different, should have been different, should have would have could have, what am I saying. It is the past, I moved on and after college. Well, do you really ever move on, that baby was just as real as Simon was...I keep thinking about all of the blogs I have read over the last few months and I feel the same things, was he real, of course, but not to the masses, to everyone else the shunned eyes, the glances, the hushed whispers, I wish they would all go to hell, If I believed in a hell.

I move forward day after day, the routine of life is making me move forward, at least the days go by, the days move on......I put my daughter on the bus, I pack he lunch. I move on....life moves on..What the fuck did I deserve to have him die, didn't I do everything possible, didn't I , didn't I...

life after death

Simon was a saint, in my heart he is forever pure. His life was spent in darkness, alone within me, never connecting but trying to be free. He spent his whole life all 39 weeks in me, but he never saw me, was he. Did he know me, was he ever real, was he....I know he was real, but was he? Was he just a hiccup in life or was he a person, who can tell you, only I can tell myself that he was real. I have spent the last two months in a fog, looking for a lifeline, running to the computer at all times looking for others like me, spending hours in the dark, listening to my "real" kids chatter on about what is going on, everyone careful to not mention Simon, to pretend he was never here. Like he is not "real". Or was he, was he just a fantasy? No, I know he was real. I felt his on the physical plane, but never connected. Like I said before something was wrong, I knew, even with all the tests.
They all thought I was crazy, going around reading about child womb issues, looking into midwives, acupuncture, chriopractic care, naturopathy and all alernatives, pysciccs and anoone who would listen, now they have all disappeared, even my friends, all gone. Now all I have is the constant hum of the computer to keep me company. And not a soul to understand what I am going through.

how do I start

WEll, here it goes, I am not very well versed in writing a blog. I feel like the only place I can let my feelings go is here on the internet, how do I do it, I don't know. I guess I have to keep living for the ones who are still here.

I lost my son, born dead, on November1, 2008. All Saints day, isn't that a misnomer. He was born at 39 weeks, I knew something was wrong from the moment I got pregnant. I had every test done, bothered my OB every week with questions and he kept telling me that everything was fine. I knew, whatever you call it, I knew.

Now, I finally find peace in reading some still born blogs, please give me back my heart, comments on my resurfacing, and a few others. Always annomously following, my privacy means a lot to me. Especially now. One in particular struck my heart, made me feel as if I had a soul mate, it was called a charmed life and suddenly after not reading it for a few weeks it vanished, gone private. I feel as if I have lost a life line in Charmy's blogs. She was a blood sister, a woman I could totally relate to. Although I didn't have triplets, I have two little ones running around and now her voice is gone from my life. I followed her blog and found sollice in the words she wrote. Now I must find my own voice and learn to grow without her. I am sorry she has blocked me out, I have no way of figuring out how to become a part of her blog. So now Instead of just following I must open my heart, I must begin to heal, I have to. I must voice my words.

I will continue my story of my life and my lost Saint, his soul lives on in my life......I will not fade, I must live to validate his existence, my lost St. Simon.

please, please

I am a mother of three who lost my son last fall. I not had a blog, but I looked through other blogs about stillborn and found many, more than my heart could stand. I have followed some and experienced others lives and felt the pain, recognized the feelings, felt drawn to it, mesmerized by the feeling, like I found friends, annomously, in the only way I could feel or be part of anything. THe only way I know how, by looking in from the outside. One of the blogs I was following was made private, I feel like I lost a friend, but I am sure she had her reasons.