now I have opened the gates

NOw that I have started to type about Simon, I feel more than lost, I feel inundated with emotions about the whole thing. I can't seem to stop typing. Let's start from the beginning. I first got pregnant at 16, my mother encouraged an abortion, and although I really didn't want to I felt I had no choice. I was 16, I wanted a life, now that I think back about it my life could have been different, should have been different, should have would have could have, what am I saying. It is the past, I moved on and after college. Well, do you really ever move on, that baby was just as real as Simon was...I keep thinking about all of the blogs I have read over the last few months and I feel the same things, was he real, of course, but not to the masses, to everyone else the shunned eyes, the glances, the hushed whispers, I wish they would all go to hell, If I believed in a hell.

I move forward day after day, the routine of life is making me move forward, at least the days go by, the days move on......I put my daughter on the bus, I pack he lunch. I move on....life moves on..What the fuck did I deserve to have him die, didn't I do everything possible, didn't I , didn't I...